Subject: In “one” word: The Word of God:
… Goldenrule.
October 24, 2006
Well, since that says it all in one word, it’s time for a little critical fun and fluff:
Boy, O’Reilly really showed his sentiment when he called Mark Foley “a democrat.” Now Bill, isn’t that hitting below the belt?
300 million cotton pickers in the U.S.: The problem is, there will always be an overpopulation problem as long as people enjoy sex more than dying. Actually, it’d be 400-500 million if we didn’t have the pill, etc.
If Warren Jeffs ever gets lucky enough to get out of prison, or escapes, he should Google Search: “freedom of religion” + countries -“United States”.
It’s been nearly seven years and no one knows what to call this decade. It’s called “the zeros.” The next decade will be called “the tens,” etc. Why’s it called “the zeros”? I don’t know, ask George W. Bush.
If you can’t get him to drink a beer with you for goodwill reasons, then just get a couple of guards… and force it down his throat! Drugs are for weak people; but / so, the next time he gets so angry that he wants to provoke a war, force him to smoke a joint! I don’t remember anybody wanting to punch my mouth shut after the pot parties of the 1970s. Just have Condoleezza Rice learn just enough Spanish to get a bag from the back door of any U.S. restaurant before she visits Iran. “A friend with weed is a friend indeed.” George, start being “a friend” to Iran and North Korea. Yes, I know it’s another 72 “real” virgin wives idea. But, two world leaders together giggling at everything in the room, is better than Bill O’Reilly’s worst fear, isn’t it? I know the stuffy Congressmen won’t go for it. Yes, I also know Muslims are more like Protestants, instead of happy drinkin’ Catholics. Tell him that they’re now finding that a couple of drinks a day will actually extend a few years to one’s life. (But, drinking to excess will reduce several years.) By the way, when did we change Vice Presidents from John Ashcroft to Donald Rumsfeld to Condoleezza Rice, and back again to Donald Rumsfeld? When are we going to give that guy with the bad heart a chance to be somebody? George, tell them other countries they have to start some trouble first before they can take a hit of the best Mexican sh_t that, today, can only be found in the United States. “I think that’s a, a, a little authentic Texas Rio Grande river sand still stuck on the side of that bag, Mahmoud.”
They say if you can remember the 1970s, you weren’t really there.
“A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.” –Alfred E. Wiggam
“A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.” –Franklin D. Roosevelt
“A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal.”
Criticism without love is just a house.
No, criticism without love is just a meaningless fling.
No, criticism without sex is just a meaningless house.
No, sex without criticism is just a relationship that lasts.
Sex without marriage is just criticism for teenagers.
A meaningless fling without a house is just teenage sex.
A house without teenagers is just life without criticism.
And, marriage without sex is just the way life can end up.
Jokes that are only funny to Mr. Critical:
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
“A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.” –Phyllis Schlafly
“Behold the unborn fetus and weep salt tears crocodilian; all life is sacred (save, of course, an enemy civilian).”
Blessed are the meek like George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld, for they shall inhibit the earth.
“Chuck Norris took a trip to the Virgin Islands. When he left, they were just the Islands.”
Two (straight) hillbillies fishin’ down at Table Rock Lake. One said to the other: “The other day my wife ran off with my best friend… and I miss him too.”
“Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.”
“Beneath this stone a virgin lies, for her life held no terrors. A virgin born, a virgin died: No hits, no runs, no errors.”
“A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.”
“College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.”
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
(becoming a PG rated email)
“Cunn*lingus is next to Godliness.”
“Chaste makes waste.”
“’Do you cheat on your wife?’ asked the psychiatrist. ‘Who else?’ answered the patient.”
“Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).”
“Evangelists do it with Him watching.”
(These jokes are either funny, or I live so far back in a cave that I’m starting to see bin Laden.)
Dirtiest joke of the day:
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.” President Bush said, “Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.” The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show called ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is Chekhov, who is Russian, Scotty, who is Scottish, and Sulu, who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek.” President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, “That's because it takes place in the future.”
The latest thing should be Phelps Family Halloween masks: Fred, Shirley, etc. Your kids could even carry God Hates America signs. (The Phelps’ do it because they think it impresses God. As we can see, it’s an extreme need. My guess is the old man killed someone in his early years, and is trying hard to make up for it. The Phelps’ are so dumb that they actually think we are in Iraq for the benefit of American freedom. They don’t realize that Iraq is only hurting the country they hate.)
Things are just getting worse:
On this side of the world, it just keeps getting darker… darker… and darker… as fall progresses. And especially when daylight savings time ends. And then… Halloween. Ghosts, goblins, and creatures of the night, for Mr. Critical wishes all a good fright: When darkness falls across the land, the terrorists’ hour may be close at hand. Double double will be our trouble, if we all can’t think outside our bubble.
Why doesn’t stuff work as well as it used to (or am I just an old geezer)?:
My telephone answering machine bit the dust, and I can’t find a new one that can be set to answer on just one ring. I’ve reanalyzed the situation and determined that I still only need one ring to let me know somebody wants to talk. Plus, one ring lessens the caller’s wait. I think you people from New York and California need to realize we do things at a little faster pace here in Kansas. And, if someone calls late at night, two rings double the chance of being woken up. Yes, I have to screen all my calls, because I don’t have the time to talk to every telemarketer, idiot or girlfriend(s) who all like to boggle-up my mind with dumb conversation (don’t tell the girlfriend[s] I said that).
And, what happened to desk phone handsets that you could hold with your shoulder? Again, here in Kansas, we sometimes we use the phone for serious business, where I frequently need the use of both hands.
And what happened to the phone buttons that kind of grabbed your fingers when you touched them; that were close enough together where you didn’t have to look to dial? Again, here in Kansas, we used to like it when we simply got the conversation started quicker.
How about a desk phone that allowed the entire unit to be picked up or moved with one hand? And, something that takes up less desk space. Just add a speakerphone button, redial button, and maybe some speed keys.
I’m also pleased with my older Sony camcorder, that doesn’t have the buttons directly on the viewer screen. I mean, who wants to look at a world full of fingerprints? Name one person? … You say, O’Reilly likes it. Well, that man has way too much clout.
My old 1997 junker still gets me down the road, but it would be nice to have one of those new kind of automobiles that has a knob for the radio volume (hey, when did they get that great idea?).
How about a television that just has an on/off switch, volume and channel-selector controls. Today, if you accidentally push the wrong button, you can be on the phone with the non-English speaking manufacturer for hours, walking you through several steps trying to just get it working back to default. Being only able to set changes with just one hand adds to the dilemma.
Because of the diverse and accelerated kinds of progress we accomplish here in Kansas, I don’t always have the time to finish watching a movie / documentary. So, when my busy schedule calls me away, it’s very helpful to later (days, weeks or even months later) restart the movie at the same place where it stopped. So, when a video is available in both DVD and VHS, I know I’ll be much happier in the long run buying the VHS (and they’re cheaper too; so there’s a plus).
Maybe I’m not finding it, but it’d be nice to have a mainstream computer operating system (Windows XP) that doesn’t require me to have to write an old DOS 6 batch program, utilizing the XCOPY command, to greatly hasten (one click) and streamline my daily backup of files created or modifies past a specified date, under specified directories / folders, onto CD-R’s. Again, here in Kansas we like to optimize things to a lot faster pace (how else do you think we earn the time for back porch sittin’?). I think Bill Gates wants people to (eventually) lose all their files so he can make more money when they have to completely start over. And, concerning Internet Explorer, why does the Find box have to close every time I go from one website to another; and, with the text removed so I have to re-type it in each time? Then the found text has to be at the bottom of the window instead of the middle, so I have to change focus and scroll down a little every time to read the context. This stuff is just not set up for us here in Kansas who do serious Web research. Maybe dumb is the answer more than evil.
I dread when my microwave quits working. Have you seen the little boxes they sell today?
Thank God for repair centers.
Oh yeah, Maytag repairmen have to be slimming down.
Mr. Critical – Have a great day… unless you had other plans
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